Since my Last Post...

I can’t believe I haven’t written in almost a month! I’m sure by now I’ve lost a few readers but hope to get them back.

Since my last post this has been my life:

1.       I started my English Theory and Criticism class. I’m taking this class so that I can get back to my analytical writing and in the future apply and get accepted into the MFA program. I won’t be applying for that program any time soon though. The program I have applied to is the MPA program (masters in public administration). I’m waiting to hear back if I will be accepted. Needless to say, I’m nervous since I have never taken a public administration course. I applied for the winter quarter which means I may be a graduate student come January 2012!

2.       One of my long time best friends is back in my life and I couldn’t be happier! One day to the next I simply made up my mind to send her a message. Short and sweet. I let her know there was no need to reply since we had a fall out. To my surprise, there she was replying to me and having a conversation with me before work. That night, September 16^th we met up for dinner. I wore a rose in my hair so that she could recognize me though it wasn’t truly needed. We poured our hearts out and caught up on each other’s lives. There’s a change between us and I’m thankful for that change because no matter what, we need each other in our lives. There is a connection between us that will never be broken.

3.       While life was going so well horror entered my life. The last week of September, my house was broken into. A lot was lost but no one was hurt. My dad called me at while I was at work to hurry home and there is when I learned all that was gone, forever. I will not get into details since I don’t want to break down once more. Currently, we’re still dealing with this dreadfulness and hope that we will be able to get past it all by the end of this month. The insurance claim is such a long and tedious process. This event changed me, I feel as though I can’t trust anyone but I shouldn’t keep living like this. I need to push through and find myself once more. While there is evil in this world, there is also good. There is family that will hold me and care for me though I’m fully grown. Make dinner and let me know this too will pass with time. All I need is time. There are friends who keep me in their thoughts. Send me a thoughtful card that brings tears to my eyes because I was thought of. Get in contact with me though they have busy lives, make time for me. I have a loving husband that vows to make things right though we both know how impossible that is. Through this all I can still smile and laugh and get past it all because in all reality, there is nothing left for me to do but push through. I will be me again.

4.       I’ve deleted my Facebook. I truly needed to get away from all that social networking. I didn’t see the use of it in my life and it was starting to be such an addiction while I tried to find a purpose for it in my life. So now, it’s gone. Yes, I may go back to it in the future but this won’t be until months from now. I need something more creative in life and so I’ll spend more time focusing on my blog. A friend of mine said that tumblr might be my cup of tea and so I’ll be trying that out. I’ll make sure to post my link once I have it up and running.

This is my life at the moment, it’s been hard but I’m still finding reasons to smile.

Missing the Pavement

I didn't get to run today. I had some time but just didn't really get to it.

Now I feel stressed. Now I have thoughts running through my head. Now I feel that I wont be able to get to sleep fast enough. Now I feel anxious and troubled.

I know I'm not the best runner and I never expected to be. I know I'm not that experienced but I'm working at it and I am trying. One thing I do know is that I love it! I love the feeling after the run. The way I can feel my blood pumping throughout my body. The sweat running down my back, down my chest. The feeling I get knowing I just accomplished a mini goal for that day and am closer to my bigger goal at the end of the year. Its an amazing feeling and a great high! I love it!

Tonight though I lay in bed "writing" on my phone and I don't have any of that. I only have the feeling of stress from the day. I only have my trouble-some thoughts keeping me awake.

This is not a good way to end the day.

At least I now know, that if I think about skipping a run due to time it is NOT going to make me feel better. I am going to feel like THIS.

But being the person I am... I will push on and try to end today on a good note. I will try meditation. I will think of beautiful thoughts. I will think of only that which makes me happy and I will light my favorite candle and then once I am in a good place I will simply stop thinking and listen only to my breathing and Mr. Husband's breathing.

Tonight before I sleep... I will find peace and let go of my stress.

posted from Bloggeroid

The Vacation Has Ended

My vacation has come and gone. It was well needed and I loved it! For the most part Mr. Husband and I just spend time together and relaxed. It was wonderful and I feel amazing! I feel so refreshed and vibrant!

One of the events that I must share with you all was the dinner at The Crow Bar. Last year Mr. Husband and I tried this restaurant out and it was amazing! I loved it! I just simply fell in love with it and I couldn't wait to go back. This time off from work we made it a point to head out there for dinner, it didn't matter if we didn't have anything else planned! I just wanted to have dinner there! Period!

the crow bar

Mr. Husband studying the menu

The appetizer, grilled zucchini with goat cheese    

My dinner, amazing! It has cream cheese in it!! 

Mr. Husband's dinner... all meat oh and fries 

Mr. Husband's desert, homemade ding dong!! YUM! 

My desert, simple but oh so very yummy!! 

Dinner was amazing and I'm going to have to go again before the end of the year. Everything was amazing and the service is awesome! When you get a chance you have to stop by and try it out!! I hope you do and I hope you enjoy it! 

Vacation Post 1

I am now well into my vacation and this is what I have accomplished thus far:

Thursday, September 1st
On my first day off I took my new car to have the navigation installed. When we went in to buy the dealership didn't have one in stock with navigation and so we had to go back to have it installed. Why get navigation? Well, why not? From time to time I use my phone for navigation or still print out directions. Finally, there will be no need for that! More importantly though, FINALLY I will never again get lost! (fingers crossed)

I had mentioned, either here or on Facebook that Mr. Husband had something BIG planned for September 1st. The kick off to our vacation was that he planned for us to get the tattoo I had wanted in the past on our wrests. Which was something similar to this one:

He was going to get "I want her" and he wanted me to get on my tinny wrist "He wants me." Now the reason for this verbiage is because when he asked me to be his girlfriend he didn't really ask me but rather stated it. If you read my past blog entitled "I want you." then you already know the story, if you haven't read it then please do. If you didn't catch on already... I didn't get the tattoo. I just didn't feel ready to get it and something in me was terrified to get a visible tattoo! Mr. Husband didn't get his either and I told him I just needed more time, I had doubt and when I was ready I would let him know. So until then, that tattoo is on hold.

Friday, September 2nd
On our eighth anniversary we celebrated by... cleaning the house and organizing the spare room. We kept putting this off and we decided enough was enough. We couldn't hide the mess behind closed doors any longer and so we cleaned and organized! There were about four boxes we had to go through and a bunch of military stuff that had to be put away. This little project took about six hours but it got done. Mr. Husband and I have been together for eight years and didn't feel the need to make a big deal about it because we celebrate our love every day. We don't wait for our anniversary, we don't wait for valentines day! We celebrate it every day, every night and even when we're away because we're happy to have each other and thankful to have one another. Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic and think that our love is the greatest but everyone that loves and is loved feels the same! Admit it!

Saturday, September 3rd
We did nothing but relax and enjoy the day. We were tired from the day before and so we stayed home. One productive task I did do was go for a run in the afternoon with my little big brother, I love going on runs with him. We push each other.

Sunday, September 4th
The highlight of the day, we went shooting! We hadn't gone in months and we had an itch! The shooting range was packed and there was a girl crying in the corner and it wasn't me! Being the nice person I am I walked over and asked her if she was okay while Mr. Husband set up our lane. It was her first time and it was too much for her, I gave her some pointers and let her know that it gets easier the second time and wished her good luck. This being my fifth time I was ready to shoot Mr. Husband's . 45 and that I did! Mr. Husband says I look like a natural when I shoot and very much relaxed. Some men went up to him asking what I was shooting and he was proud to show off his wife (me) shooting his gun with ease and with awesome aim! After the 100 rounds, we visited my in law's and had dinner with them. When we got home I went on a run solo.

Monday, September 5th
The morning started off with me throwing everything out of my closet! I had no idea what to where for our adventure but deiced to just wear one of my favorite dresses. Simple. Easy.

Our (Mr. Husband, Little Big Brother and myself) first distention was The Museum of Death. My co-worker had told me about it and finally got around to going.

This is a museum I know I'll be going back to over and over again. There is just so much to see and while a lot of it is disturbing and not for everyone it is VERY interesting! You have to go in with an open mind and a strong stomach. If you laugh at horror movies and can handle seeing dead bodies/body parts and want to learn about death then the Museum of Death is a place you must visit! If you don't want to learn about it then just go, it's too interesting to pass up. The staff is very friendly and they have a dog named Buddy walking around the museum.

Our next stop was the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. Now I must admit this was my first time going to the LACMA. I know, I know! It's disgraceful! Now what was the main reason I went? The Tim Burton Exhibition!!! The moment I heard there was going to be an exhibition of his I just had to go and see it! It was amazing and I loved every moment of it! I enjoyed it so much that I plan to go back just in case I missed something and if I didn't miss anything I'm sure to enjoy it as much as I did the first time.  We lucked out, we had to wait about two hours to be able to go in the exhibit and today admission to all the exhibits were free! Well not all, the only one you had to pay for was the Tim Burton exhibit but I sure didn't mind! So we got to walk around and see as much as possible and enjoy out time.


As you can tell, there aren't many pictures that I took for this post and there are reasons for that.

1. I forgot to charge my camera
2. They don't allow pictures at museums
3. I was not in the mood to take pictures and Mr. Husband and Little Big Brother are not the best photographers


Tomorrow Mr. Husband and I will be off for another adventure and I promise to take more pictures this time around. Pictures always make the blogs better.

Thanks for reading! I hope you make plans to visit either The Museum of Death or the Tim Burton exhibit, I say you visit both though!  

Almost Bidding Farewell...

I logged on tonight for one purpose. To bid farewell to my blog... once more this was going to be a blog that I would be giving up on. Mainly because I felt that I lost my way in what this blog was meant to be. The purpose of this blog was to get me to start writing and I was writing but then stopped. Could you blame me dear reader? My heart still feels so heavy BUT the purpose for me to write is so that I can show the world that while life pushes me down I will not stay down. I will go on smiling and laughing and loving my simple difficult life. I will live on because I have no idea what tomorrow may bring. As I was writing my good bye post, my good bye for now because I felt that maybe I would come back, I changed my mind. I can't let go, what I must do though is write on. Write about whatever it is that I feel like writing but just write! Its one of the few things that keeps me sane. Even if I have but only one reader, I will write because I love the feeling I get when I type my thoughts away... 

Vacation Coming Soon

Tomorrow will finally be my vacation from work! Mr. Husband will be taking time off of work as well so that we can spend time together. We don’t have anything planned but at the same time we do. We plan on doing a lot of which we always want to do but can’t find the time. I'll be posting what we do so that if you, my readers find it interesting can also make time to go to the places, eat at the resturants, and so on.

Tomorrow, first thing in the morning I will be taking my new car (2011 Nissan Mureno LE) to get my navigation installed. Now I'll NEVER get lost!

This is what my new car (SUV) looks like, I have yet to take a good picture of MINE.



Mr. Husband will be working his last day (tomorrow) but he has something special planned out for us that night he says. I can’t wait to see what the kick off to our vacation will be!

Stay tuned!  

"I want you."

Years ago (2006) when 'Stranger Than Fiction' came out I saw it as a joke. It was yet again another dumb comedy with Will Farrell. I was told by many that I should give it a chance, but I wouldn’t cave in. My family watched it and expressed to me just what a great movie it was but still I would not budge.

It wasn’t until late one night in 2007, one of my many sleepless nights in which I was once more thinking of Mr. Husband and missing him. He was currently in Iraq and I had just finished one of our short, quick but beautiful conversations. I couldn’t sleep, as I waited for that moment in which I could finally rest my eyes and as I finished Mr. Husband’s letter for that day 'Stranger than Fiction' began in the background. With nothing else to watch and with my letter complete, I figured the movie would put me to sleep and so I watched.

I was mistaken. I couldn’t be more wrong about this beautiful, breath-taking movie! I cried, no I sobbed at the end. Since then this has been one of my favorite movies and today I got to watch this marvelous movie once more and reminisce.   

Sitting alone I was able to think back as to what caught my attention. It’s obvious why so many people believed that I would love the movie. It was about a writer, it was about a writer writing a book, it was about a writer having writers block and it was about a man who was hearing this writer, write about his life knowing that he was going to die at the end. If that doesn’t scream me I don’t know what does. What people didn’t know that would catch my attention was one single moment, a single line in the movie...

Harold Crick realizes that he has feelings for Anna Pascal and when he finally admits it to himself and allows himself to act on it, he rushes over to her bakery with flours. 

Yes, I meant to write the word flour, as in baking flour. I thought that was one of the sweetest moments ever, romantic and dorky! 

Then the Harold said words that I will never forget because they’re words that were once uttered to me.

“I want you.”

This is how Harold let Anna Pascal know that he had feelings for her and this is how Mr. Husband let me know on September 2, 2003 parked in his black 3000GT at Jurupa park drinking coffee that he had feelings for me and that he wanted me to be his. "I want you."

Now, imagine me then, sitting in the dead of night watching this movie and hearing those words. There was no way that I wasn’t going to fall in love with this movie. For once I actually believed that Will Ferrell was capable of acting and not coming out with some joke of a movie.

If you haven’t watched this movie yet, I hope you now will. It truly is a great movie, Will Ferrell did an amazing job. 

Confession of my Current Obsession 1

One thing that you will forever find me doing is listening to music and I listen to just about everything! Here's proof and this is no lie! Putting my iPod on shuffle this is the order of the first 15 songs that pop up:

1. Silverstein - My Heroine  

2. H.I.M. - Beautiful 

3. Dario Marianelli - The Lord's Prayer

4. Flyleaf - Tiny Heart 

5. A.F.I - This Celluloid Dream 

6. Brad Paisley - She's everything 

7. Penny & the Quarters - You & Me 

8. Rise Against - Tip the scales 

9. Iced Earth - Watching over me 

10. Rufio - Tears

11. Ana Gabriel - Quien Como Tu 

12. Brand New - Jesus Christ 

13. Johnny Cash - I walk the line 

14. P. Diddy feat. Keyshia Cole - Last Night 

15. Acceptance - So Contagious 

When it comes to music I become obsessed with one song from time to time and you'll find me have it on repeat for hours on end. My current obsession is Best Coast - Our Deal. Since the moment I have discovered this song I've had it on repeat. Can you blame me?

Not only is the song amazing but Drew Barrymore directed the video which is brilliant! Yes, its like West Side Story (which I have never watched by the way) but this has Chole Moretz! If you don't know who she is, she played Hit-Girl in Kickass and she was the vampire in Let Me In. Now, if at this point your life you haven't watched either movie please add them on your must watch list! You won't regret it, that is to say that you have any taste in films. Ok sorry that was harsh, but I really like these two movies and Chole Moretz is just beautiful in a awkward unique kind of way. 


Back to my obsession of Best Coast - Our Deal. Today I've had this song on repeat for a nine hours, please keep in mind that I work 10 hour days this time of year so I always have my iPod with me to at least TRY to keep my sanity. 


Different things/moments can trigger my obsession for a song. This obsession began because of the beauty of the song. "I wish you would tell me, how you really feel, but you'll never tell me, 'cause that's not our deal." ::Sigh:: 


So this week, at any given moment if you see me around, I'll either be listening to this song or thinking of this song. 


If you haven't pressed play on the video to hear beauty rather than see it, I hope that you do now and as you listen let the voice of Bethany Cosentino (singer) take over your life for a few minutes. She has currently taken over my life... 


I wonder what my next obsession will be... 

Birthday Week

This year's birthday has been by far one of the best birthdays! 

While last year I spent the my birthday alone with Mr. Husband in Oahu...and at this point nothing is ever going to top that trip (until we go to Europe). I never thought I could have such a memorable birthday at home. If you've known me long enough, you know that I have awful social anxiety and I've been working at moving past it. This year I feel that I'm finally getting closer to the end of my anxiety. A wonderful gift which I'm thankful for. 

Last week I had my wonderful birthday dinner which I almost cancelled due to my anxiety but I pushed through it and it turned out amazing! Again, thank you to those that attended and made me feel oh so very special.

This week started off with a Disneyland trip with a friend of mine that I've known since I was fifteen. Brandon or how I have always called him, Tweeker. It was his birthday Tuesday the 26th and he was kind enough to invite me to tag along for my birthday as well. I hadn't seen him since my wedding 12.1.2007 and I was going to meet his lovely girlfriend for the first time. Needless to say I was pretty nervous, but I had such a wonderful time with Mr. Husband, an old friend and now a new friend! Since Tweeker's girlfriend Christina use to work at Disneyland she showed us a lot of different things and let us in on some amazing Disneyland secrets.

Highlights of the day: 

1. I got to hang out with an old friend I've missed 

2. EVERYONE was saying Happy Birthday to Tweeker and me 

3. We only waited at the most 20 minutes for Indian Jones while everyone else had to wait an hour and a half in the heat. Disney magic on your birthday is an amazing thing and no I didn't have a fast pass! 

4. Last but not least, a Disneyland worker sang Happy Birthday to us in such an old school Doo Wop kind of way! He also talked to us in rhyme! Amazing!

I honestly can't remember the last time that I had so much fun at Disneyland with friends. We got to do everything, just not ride California Scream because someone was being a baby! But we did get to do the little things that I love and always want to do. 

We went to the Drawing Academy where we learned to draw Goofy and we didn't ever mind the long lines since we had such awesome company. 

The line to Toy Story Mania was madness, as always but during this time Tweeker and I got to catch up. I got to know the wonderful girlfriend Christina and Juan finally got to see why I love my Tweeker friend oh so very much. It's sad though that even on my birthday Juan did not let me win on the Toy Story Mania ride but at least I have better accuracy. (picture on left, above)

One ride we got to enjoy which I have NEVER been on was the Winnie the Pooh ride. For some reason, Tweeker & Christina insisted that we just had to get on this ride. I for one thought it was a trap and I was going to be forced to hug a Disney Character but that wasn't the case. If you haven't been on this ride, please go on it next time. Oh my! 

A whole day spent at Disneyland and this was the only picture taken of the 4 of us

Winnie the Pooh and his friends had  birthday party just for Tweeker and me!

Yummy Disney Birthday dessert! 

 One of the last rides of the day was Star Tours, Mr. Husband and I have been looking forward to this ride for so long. I'm sad to say that Disney let me down. The ride was okay, I for one wasn't wowed. What I was wowed by were the Storm Troopers walking around! I wanted to hug one and take a picture but couldn't because they were moving so fast! Next time I suppose.

I wish I could buy him and keep him forever and ever

Wednesday, it was back to work where Mr. Husband surprised me with beautiful flowers and my amazing student assistant surprised me with gifts.

I'm so amazed by Mr. Husband, he picked out the flowers with little to no help and designed the arrangement he sent me. What I love is that there were three black magic roses which is important because at our wedding the center pieces has three black roses. The arrangement had curly willow, again a big part of our wedding and there was little to no filler! (I hate filler!) The flowers where perfect! Just perfect!









My amazing student assistant, the sweetheart and hard worker that she is came into the office during an office meeting and when I went back to my desk I found the cutest gifts!

First, there was a Starbucks box, a box which I have never seen before and then there was a card with a perfect hand tied bow!
In that little box were cake pops from Starbucks! In the card, which she made herself was a cute necklace with a charm of a skull girl which had a pink bow! Cute and dark all rolled into one! I love it!

Thursday, the 28th! Finally my birthday! Oh I felt so loved this day. Yes, I went to work but still had an amazing day. Co-worker Chuck came into work with a wonderful and thoughtful gift...

A teaset with TAZO tea from Starbucks! Might I add that he put this gift together himself! He picked everything out and wrapped it. He made sure to make it a point that while his girlfriend was suppose to help he did it all on his own. That made the gift even more special! I felt so loved!

Throughout the day I received calls, text messages and while some people forgot about my birthday I didn't let that get me down. What did matter were the people that did remember and took time out of their busy day to let me know they thought of me and wanted to wish me a happy birthday. Thank you.

After work when I finally got home I noticed that my Mom and Older Sister-In-Law were sitting outside and when I finally parked they walked over (the long walk from my mom's house to my house) with such big smiles on their faces. I didn't think much of it and just assumed that they wanted to wish me a happy birthday but no, that wasn't the end of it. Apparently, I had overlooked a BIG birthday present on my front lawn. Something I have been wanting since last year...

This plants name is maguey

Yes,  I have been wanting this beautiful plant for a long time! Isn't it just beautiful? Okay, well I have love for plants that comes of my parents, since I was young  my parents were always working in the yard to make it beautiful. While Mr. Husband took me out to dinner my Dad took it upon himself to plant my birthday present and then made me take a picture with it.

I look super happy!

Then Saturday finally came, the day I had been waiting for! This year Mr. Husband got me such a wonderful birthday present. I have always loved the Mission Inn and I love it so much that Mr. Husband says that when we renew our vows that is where we're going to do it! 

Mr. Husband wanted the elephant but I told him a picture would just have to do for now

Picture perfect, Mr. Husband is oh so yummy! 

Beautiful

For our stay, he booked the Birthday Celebration Stay Package so that we could get away for a night since I for one don't want to be away from my Boba for too long. For our mini getaway he booked a spa day! He booked the Couples N' Courtship package. This was the first time we had been to the spa so we had no idea what to expect. The package included: 

* Body Polishes (25 minutes)

*Aromatherapy Bath (25 minutes)

*50 minutes couple's massage 

*Champagne & Strawberries for two 

*Private use of the Spa villa for one-half hour (teehee)

My favorite part of it all was the body polish! Oh my was that amazing! Mr. Husband said he enjoyed it so much that we're going to have to do it more often which I'm very excited about. 

That night we then had dinner at Duane's (the food is amazing) and when we got back to the room I had a pleasant little surprise waiting for me... 

CUPCAKES!

Part of the package included cupcakes for the birthday person which was me but I was nice enough to share with Mr. Husband. 

The balloon matched my outfit! 

I'm as plain as vanilla what can I say... 

Our full day there was amazing and we were so relaxed after our spa treatment! In the morning we woke up to rain. I couldn't believe that it was raining in July but either way I loved it! I love the smell and sound of rain! 

Once we checked out we finally got to have the Sunday Champagne Brunch which is amazing but at this point with the Mission Inn there is no way that you can expect anything but amazing! Throughout the weekend I kept telling Juan that I was going to run into my boss, Monty since he always spends his weekends there. As I was waiting for Mr. Husband to pay the bill I was sad because I hadn't seen my boss all weekend. But, then there he was, Monty! Walking around looking at all the beauty that the Mission Inn has to offer. I walked over to him to say hello and let him know that my weekend was not going to be complete without seeing him at the Mission Inn. We had a pleasant little chat and he hugged me hello and goodbye. 

These past two weeks have been amazing and I needed happiness in my life. With everything that happened last month I'm so thankful to have had such a wonderful birthday this year. I truly needed it. 

Thank you Mr. Husband, the love of my life for being romantic and surprising me. 

Thank you VeroBabies for helping me plan my birthday dinner and holding my hand through it all. 

Thank you my dear family for loving me through my grumpy days and still caring enough to remember what I have been wanting and asking for. 

Thank you my dear friends for letting me be selfish for a bit and remembering me always. 

And now, as July is coming to a end and August is just a few minutes away I will go back to reality but thankfully my reality is and has always been a beautiful fairy tale. 

Happy Birthday Dinner to Me!

Yesterday, July 23rd, 2011. I had a little birthday dinner with some of my dear friends and family. I have always wanted to have a classic, simple dinner and this year I finally got that! The dinner almost didn't happen because of my anxiety but I didn't let that get in my way this time. I pushed threw and because of that had a wonderful time! 

simple and classic

The picture is a little dark but this made me smile, Juan playing with baby A.J.

Pretty birthday cupcakes! 

I had my favorite food (pasta), favorite drinks and my favorite music playing. Everything was very relaxing and I didn't even notice the time passing by. I just wish I would have taken more pictures but I was simply having too much fun talking it up with my guests that I lost track of time. I got very few pictures and I need to remind myself to slow down and capture those amazing moments that make me smile! 

My VeroBabies and I. She's such a wonderful amazing friend! I love her with my all! 

Boba was he only four legged guest and she dressed for the occasion! 

To my readers that were my guests, thank you again for attending my birthday dinner. I had such a wonderful time! With everything that I have gone threw this year, it was nice to have my friends and family there to support me. I hope you all had a wonderful time! Next time more pictures will be taken for sure and our favorite wine will be served! Turns out I'm not allergic! 

A healthy goal

I've been stressed and my anxiety has been really bad this past month but... can you blame me? I just hope that those around me understand and know that with time I will get over this last bump in the road. In the meantime, I have made a goal for myself. 

By the end of this year I plan to be able to run five miles nonstop.  

I truly believe that with the running it will help me control my anxiety and be able to rid myself of the stress. 

Above stress and anxiety... I feel nothing BUT that seems odd to me since I feel stressed and anxious. 

Yes, I smile. I laugh, I giggle and talk nonstop but still feel nothing. 

I hope that with the running and the alone time with with the running I will be able to start feeling something because this nothing feeling may be pushing people away. 

Until then... I'm running. 

I love this. Running will get me back my Thunder Thighs! 

Letter to God

Dear God,

All day I have been deep in thought and have speaking to You in my own way, just now as I write to You I find myself smiling and I know it’s because You’re with me. For weeks now I have felt alone, I have looked for You but could not feel You near me. I wondered why You had left me, what did I do to cause You to abandon me? Negativity was taking over my life and I could not see a drop of color in all the darkness I was faced it with.

I couldn’t understand why I lost them, we had waited for them, prepared our lives for them and as quickly as they came… they left. To lose and accept the loss was close to unbearable… to then have to be faced with worse news just about broke me and almost caused me to turn away from You. I felt as though You had left me and as I felt depressed when I lost my One & Two, this time felt so much worse, nothing nor no one could bring a smile to my face. But, when I felt there was nothing and when I felt my worst… there You were.

I don’t feel alone and I can smile because I feel You near me, beside me. While everyone sleeps, I stay wide awake with my thoughts. Thoughts that would normally break me, now only bring me an ounce of sadness because I know in my heart that You have lifted me and have taken away my pain so that once more I can live. For once, in a long time I do not feel alone because I know You are with me, because You have always been with me, because You knew/know that I could handle this and there will be a reason for it. Yes. I will be sad at times but I shouldn’t ever throw my life away because in time this too will pass and it will just be a dark memory. God, only You know what is to come and I will put my trust in You.

I can go on questioning. I can keep asking “Why me?” I can look back on my life and say, that yes, I’ve done everything right in my life. I’ve always been the good girl so why do I have to go through this? Why did this happen to me? But who do I think I am? What makes me better than everyone else? Only You know why You do what You do. Only You know why You choose this path for me and with this smile that is finally upon my face, I accept the path You have laid out for me. Thank You for the strength You have given me, I now know how strong I truly am.

Amen

“No one can explain how a baby breathes before it is born. So how can anyone explain what God does? After all, He created everything.” Ecclesiastes 11:5



A Ramble of a Passion

It doesn't matter what emotion I'm going through, there is always one passion that I've always turned to. It's my default. I can be depressed, sad, mad, happy, stressed or restless in the end what I find myself doing time and time again is writing. 


Which is why I have always loved keeping a blog. 


Which is why I always carry a notebook with me. 


Which is why I am the proud owner of the callus on my right hand ring finger. 


Which is why so many of my friends and Mr. Husband receive extremely long text messages. 


Which is why I have such amazing and different penmanship. 


There is just something about it that I find relaxing and beautiful. There is just something about it that can instantly make my day better. I can be writing a letter, a note, just about anything and I will feel as though I have accomplished something. 


I've been writing since I was in grade school and I have always loved it. In college I majored in English with a concentration in Creative Writing. This major focused on two of my passions; reading and writing. I should have minored in art... opps. 


If this is what makes me happy...
If this is what I love...
If this is what I'm always doing with my free time... 


Why am I so scared of it? Why then do I allow people tell me it's a waste of time? Why then am I scared to push myself to make it into a career? Why am I scared to continue my education in writing?


I have never been the person to care for money. 
I have never been the person that longs to be rich. 
I have never been the person that longs for fame. 


My goal in life has always been the same: I want to be happy. 
If in fifty years from now I can look back and say "yes, I lived a happy life" then I will be proud of myself. I will feel accomplished in life. 


And so... 


From this point on I will only do that which makes me happy. I've done it this for the most part in the past but sometimes... many times I stop myself so that I can make others happy. So that I can met the expectations of others. This stops now because this is my life and I'm not being selfish, I will not let others tell me I'm being selfish.


I just want to be happy and happy I will be. 


The simple thought of it makes me smile... 

Thankful for the support but...

I'm allowed to smile, to laugh.
I'm allowed to go out to dinners, to shop, to play and LIVE!
I'm allowed to pretend as though they never were and it never happened... it was all a dream... it was all a dream... it was all a bittersweet dream.
I'm allowed to say that it's only my allergies acting up or that I simply got something in my eye.

I have done my morning and will go on morning in silence and secret.
I have accepted the loss.
I have said my goodbyes though I know more may be needed.
I have the right & will choose to hide away & cry when need be.

I will not give up on life but live the life I had dreamed up for them the moment I was told.
I will not forget them but please don't remind me of them.
I will try again.
I will keep strong, holding on to hope, faith.

This is my way of dealing.
This is my way of being.
This is what's best for me as how I see fit.
This is my life after all, please accept it.

...and just like that, They're gone.

Last week it was blood work, after blood work, after blood work. Then Friday came and it was test after test. Something wasn't right with LittleBit 1 & 2 and as much as I was trying to stay positive, it was hard. Then came the news Mr. Husband and I were dreading, our babies simply stopped growing and while I was about ten weeks pregnant my babies were only about three weeks old. They just simply stopped growing. The nurse who was handling my case let us know that we had two choices: 

* We could wait another week to see if the babies would grow if not then they would case me to miscarry (or wait for me to miscarry on my own) 

* We could choose to miscarry that day on our time at home

I honestly couldn't go through another week and since the babies had stopped growing at week three it was hard to hold on to hope at that point. So, we decided it would be best to miscarry as hard as it was choose. If not, then I would go on being pregnant, going through all the symptoms and gaining the needed weight knowing that my babies simply stopped growing and I was going to miscarry at any given moment. 

There was nothing I did wrong, I was as healthy as can be to be pregnant but in the middle of everything... the babies just stopped growing. This happens more than people know but women tend to miscarry on their own before they ever find out that they're pregnant. Some women, like myself stay pregnant and then have to have a drugged miscarriage. The RN let us know that this happened to her twice. 

Friday was hard, Saturday was a little more bearable and today, Sunday I finally went out to get some sun. Tomorrow I'm still off of work and by Tuesday I hope to be fine. 

Mr. Husband & I are hoping to be able to try again September maybe October. The RN said that we shouldn't have any problems getting pregnant. This just goes to show me that I can't plan everything. I can't control everything and sometimes I just have to let go and let things happen on their own. I'm not mad though, I have accepted it and know that it all happened for a reason. God has a plan for me and it just wasn't my time to be a mommy. 

I'm thankful though to have such caring and supportive family and friends. I needed time alone with Mr. Husband and I'm thankful that they have been respectful of that. Though there were two that just simply did not understand that and came to our house announced. Rude.

So now, just as quickly as they came they have now left me.

LittleBit Update

Where have I been?

Why are there no updates on the pregnancy?

I have been debating about posting the latest update because it is so hard for me to get out but maybe it will help. I hope.

First, there were no updates because I had nothing to update. I went for two appointments; one was to get my information down and a bunch of blood work from me. Another was a class about what I should eat and how to stay healthy and what is to come. This class was boring and such a waste of time. I for one didn’t learn anything new.

Then came the date in which I was going to finally get to see my baby! Friday, May 27^th. I got to meet my doctor and I was excited and nervous to finally see LittleBit. I was told that I was going to be able to hear/see the baby’s heartbeat. Mr. Husband & I were very excited. The appointment wasn’t full of smiles and joy though. In fact through the appointment I had to fight way my tears.

The vaginal ultrasound showed two sacks. Twins the doctor said and then when he kept looking around he started to question. Have I been nauseous? Am I vomiting? Have I been spotting? Yes, No and No. Mr. Husband held my heart as we found out that the doctor couldn’t find LittleBit one or two. All he could see were two sacks. The doctor then said that it could be that the pregnancy is very early OR that it’s a bad pregnancy. I could be pregnant but there is no baby (or babies).

Now, I’m having blood work done every three days and on Friday the RN will be calling me for the results as to what is going to happen, what is going on with my pregnancy. On Monday, (I have no idea what time) I will be having an ultrasound done in hopes that my LittleBit One and Two are growing. What if they’re not?

The will cause me to miscarry and I will lose the pregnancy. Mr. Husband and I will then have to start over…

Every day, every night, just about every moment of the day I have been praying for my LittleBit One and Two. I’m told to be positive, that all will work out but the tone that the doctorhas , the tone that the RN has… well it doesn’t sound like good news.

I'm scared, I'm worried... but I'm holding on to hope. I have to stay postive for myself, for Mr. Husband, for LittleBit One & Two

Showing signs and just plain showing!

I feel as though the moment I found out that I was pregnant I started to show! Now I have this pregnant gut and it's not because I'm eating everything in sight. No. I eat as I always have and yet, I have a baby bump! A baby bump! I'm only about seven weeks. 

I just hope people don't look at me and think of me as a fat slob because I'm not (fighting back the tears). I don't even want to eat greasy food. YUCK! I do feel the need to work out but don't because I have felt so tired. 

This is normal. Everything I'm going through is normal. BUT! What I find odd is that I have yet to throw up. I feel nauseous at times and I upchuck but I have yet to throw up.... maybe that is why I have the baby bump already??? 

My tummy feels sore and I feel weak but it's normal. I'm always sleeping and always want to sleep but this is normal. I have cravings already and Mr. Husband is being so good at helping me satisfy these mini cravings. 

I can't wait until I finally get that energy I need to start working on the baby room... 

I have my first doctor's appointment on Friday and I can't wait! I already have so many questions! 

This past weekend I bought two books to help me through this part of my life: 

Now I know what some might be thinking. A book can't really let you know what you're going to be going through. Okay yeah that might be true but I am a student of life and I love to read so let me be. Now if you have any good books you have read please share! I love to read!

I started off with "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and well... this book is boring and I feel that I need to find the information I need. This is written like a textbook of science. YAWN! Either way I will read it and I am sure I will find some helpful information... at least I hope! Since I felt this book to be such a bore I moved on to "Belly Laughs." 

The book is by Jenny McCarthy so I figured it would be a good laugh. Can you believe that I learned so much from this book in the first five pages than I did with the other?! Guess what? This book is full of the honesty. McCarthy does not sweeten what happened to her and what can happy to you. This is what I need. 

You mean, everything that is going on with me right now IS normal! OH!!! No need to fear. 

You mean just about EVERYONE poops on the table when in labor and in reality when and if it happens I'm not going to care? 

Now there are parts of the book that just about scared me to the point that I almost cried! I thought to myself, "Why didn't I read this before I choose to get pregnant this year?" Women don't really tell you what they go through, it's as though they're scared or maybe they're more private than I am. Either way I know when anyone of my friends/family gets pregnant after me and if they have questions or want the truth I will off it up. 

This book is not just a book for women who are expecting or plan to get pregnant. I think just about everyone would enjoy to read this book. It will at least make you laugh many and many times! Plus if you thought in the past that pregnant women can't possibly have it that bad well PLEASE read this. I have always had a respect for pregnant women but now after this book I hold a much deeper respect for them. 

Thankfully, so far I'm having a good pregnancy thus far. I'm a little scared but I know that a year from now I will have my baby and life will be different but I will be happy with my LittleBit in my arms. I'll make sure to keep you all posted but I will TRY to leave out the scary details. I've already left out a few things that could sicken a few of you :). 

As always, thank you for reading!