Letter to God

Dear God,

All day I have been deep in thought and have speaking to You in my own way, just now as I write to You I find myself smiling and I know it’s because You’re with me. For weeks now I have felt alone, I have looked for You but could not feel You near me. I wondered why You had left me, what did I do to cause You to abandon me? Negativity was taking over my life and I could not see a drop of color in all the darkness I was faced it with.

I couldn’t understand why I lost them, we had waited for them, prepared our lives for them and as quickly as they came… they left. To lose and accept the loss was close to unbearable… to then have to be faced with worse news just about broke me and almost caused me to turn away from You. I felt as though You had left me and as I felt depressed when I lost my One & Two, this time felt so much worse, nothing nor no one could bring a smile to my face. But, when I felt there was nothing and when I felt my worst… there You were.

I don’t feel alone and I can smile because I feel You near me, beside me. While everyone sleeps, I stay wide awake with my thoughts. Thoughts that would normally break me, now only bring me an ounce of sadness because I know in my heart that You have lifted me and have taken away my pain so that once more I can live. For once, in a long time I do not feel alone because I know You are with me, because You have always been with me, because You knew/know that I could handle this and there will be a reason for it. Yes. I will be sad at times but I shouldn’t ever throw my life away because in time this too will pass and it will just be a dark memory. God, only You know what is to come and I will put my trust in You.

I can go on questioning. I can keep asking “Why me?” I can look back on my life and say, that yes, I’ve done everything right in my life. I’ve always been the good girl so why do I have to go through this? Why did this happen to me? But who do I think I am? What makes me better than everyone else? Only You know why You do what You do. Only You know why You choose this path for me and with this smile that is finally upon my face, I accept the path You have laid out for me. Thank You for the strength You have given me, I now know how strong I truly am.

Amen

“No one can explain how a baby breathes before it is born. So how can anyone explain what God does? After all, He created everything.” Ecclesiastes 11:5



A Ramble of a Passion

It doesn't matter what emotion I'm going through, there is always one passion that I've always turned to. It's my default. I can be depressed, sad, mad, happy, stressed or restless in the end what I find myself doing time and time again is writing. 


Which is why I have always loved keeping a blog. 


Which is why I always carry a notebook with me. 


Which is why I am the proud owner of the callus on my right hand ring finger. 


Which is why so many of my friends and Mr. Husband receive extremely long text messages. 


Which is why I have such amazing and different penmanship. 


There is just something about it that I find relaxing and beautiful. There is just something about it that can instantly make my day better. I can be writing a letter, a note, just about anything and I will feel as though I have accomplished something. 


I've been writing since I was in grade school and I have always loved it. In college I majored in English with a concentration in Creative Writing. This major focused on two of my passions; reading and writing. I should have minored in art... opps. 


If this is what makes me happy...
If this is what I love...
If this is what I'm always doing with my free time... 


Why am I so scared of it? Why then do I allow people tell me it's a waste of time? Why then am I scared to push myself to make it into a career? Why am I scared to continue my education in writing?


I have never been the person to care for money. 
I have never been the person that longs to be rich. 
I have never been the person that longs for fame. 


My goal in life has always been the same: I want to be happy. 
If in fifty years from now I can look back and say "yes, I lived a happy life" then I will be proud of myself. I will feel accomplished in life. 


And so... 


From this point on I will only do that which makes me happy. I've done it this for the most part in the past but sometimes... many times I stop myself so that I can make others happy. So that I can met the expectations of others. This stops now because this is my life and I'm not being selfish, I will not let others tell me I'm being selfish.


I just want to be happy and happy I will be. 


The simple thought of it makes me smile... 

Thankful for the support but...

I'm allowed to smile, to laugh.
I'm allowed to go out to dinners, to shop, to play and LIVE!
I'm allowed to pretend as though they never were and it never happened... it was all a dream... it was all a dream... it was all a bittersweet dream.
I'm allowed to say that it's only my allergies acting up or that I simply got something in my eye.

I have done my morning and will go on morning in silence and secret.
I have accepted the loss.
I have said my goodbyes though I know more may be needed.
I have the right & will choose to hide away & cry when need be.

I will not give up on life but live the life I had dreamed up for them the moment I was told.
I will not forget them but please don't remind me of them.
I will try again.
I will keep strong, holding on to hope, faith.

This is my way of dealing.
This is my way of being.
This is what's best for me as how I see fit.
This is my life after all, please accept it.

...and just like that, They're gone.

Last week it was blood work, after blood work, after blood work. Then Friday came and it was test after test. Something wasn't right with LittleBit 1 & 2 and as much as I was trying to stay positive, it was hard. Then came the news Mr. Husband and I were dreading, our babies simply stopped growing and while I was about ten weeks pregnant my babies were only about three weeks old. They just simply stopped growing. The nurse who was handling my case let us know that we had two choices: 

* We could wait another week to see if the babies would grow if not then they would case me to miscarry (or wait for me to miscarry on my own) 

* We could choose to miscarry that day on our time at home

I honestly couldn't go through another week and since the babies had stopped growing at week three it was hard to hold on to hope at that point. So, we decided it would be best to miscarry as hard as it was choose. If not, then I would go on being pregnant, going through all the symptoms and gaining the needed weight knowing that my babies simply stopped growing and I was going to miscarry at any given moment. 

There was nothing I did wrong, I was as healthy as can be to be pregnant but in the middle of everything... the babies just stopped growing. This happens more than people know but women tend to miscarry on their own before they ever find out that they're pregnant. Some women, like myself stay pregnant and then have to have a drugged miscarriage. The RN let us know that this happened to her twice. 

Friday was hard, Saturday was a little more bearable and today, Sunday I finally went out to get some sun. Tomorrow I'm still off of work and by Tuesday I hope to be fine. 

Mr. Husband & I are hoping to be able to try again September maybe October. The RN said that we shouldn't have any problems getting pregnant. This just goes to show me that I can't plan everything. I can't control everything and sometimes I just have to let go and let things happen on their own. I'm not mad though, I have accepted it and know that it all happened for a reason. God has a plan for me and it just wasn't my time to be a mommy. 

I'm thankful though to have such caring and supportive family and friends. I needed time alone with Mr. Husband and I'm thankful that they have been respectful of that. Though there were two that just simply did not understand that and came to our house announced. Rude.

So now, just as quickly as they came they have now left me.