Forgive & Forget...

Are you a forgiving person?

I for one am. I'm one of those, much too forgiving persons. You know the kind that you think of people walking all over? Yep, I'm that gal! I get used as a stepping stone and used oh so very often. I have been known to forgive just about everything and everyone. A lot of the times when I forgive someone it means that I will then welcome them back into my life or let them stay in my life. I'm able to forgive but then those around me aren't able to forgive the person who may have hurt me or wronged me. I try to get the people in my life to understand why I forgive but I know deep down they just can't understand my kindness. They can't understand how it is that I was/am able to forgive and forget, they fear that I will only get hurt and be wronged yet again. In the end, for the most part...they're always right. I always end up hurt.

There has been one person in my life that I have forgiven many times. That person has walked in and our of my life just as I have walked in and out of their life. This last time it was my choice to walk away. Now though, in a day of sadness and loneliness I have forgiven. We're toxic in each others lives, we hurt each other too often and too much. I harbor no hate for this person but I have come to the conclusion that I just need to let go and stop hoping for that friendship that existed over a decade ago.

I'm a good friend. A great friend. Yes, I have my flaws but don't we all? I have let far too many people walk all over me and use me (this friend though never did). I have forgiven and forgotten but something now tells me that maybe forgetting isn't always best. I need to remember so that I will not let it happen again. Yet, in times like these in which I feel lonely... I almost want to welcome a certain person back so that maybe I won't feel so alone anymore. Even if that means that it will only be for a few months... but I'll remain strong and not let that happen. I can't hurt her once more, I can't take the pain.

This post came about a few weeks ago when I was feeling very alone. I didn't post it and only saved it to come back to it when I wasn't upset. 

This happens from time to time, I throw myself a pity party in which lasts for a few days. I get past it and then look back to how I acted and how I let everyone see a my weak side 

I always try to hide.

We're all human though, and we all hurt from time to time. Sometimes we just can't help it but feel lonely but we need to remind ourselves that we are loved and cared for. There are people out there that want to be near us, spend time with us and we need to let go and not dwell on the people who are too selfish to notice us. I feel that through this loneliness I have learned that I can't hope and wish for things to change, I need to make that change. I can't hope that people will pay attention to me and then be sad when they don't. I have to put myself out there but I don't have to break my rules or morals to spend time with them. I know who I am and I know what I will and won't do.

Enough is enough. I will no longer be a stepping stone, I will no longer let people use me and though I am always treating people extremely well I will not let that take a toll on me. I will learn to be selfish but not in a bad way.