Birthday Week

This year's birthday has been by far one of the best birthdays! 

While last year I spent the my birthday alone with Mr. Husband in Oahu...and at this point nothing is ever going to top that trip (until we go to Europe). I never thought I could have such a memorable birthday at home. If you've known me long enough, you know that I have awful social anxiety and I've been working at moving past it. This year I feel that I'm finally getting closer to the end of my anxiety. A wonderful gift which I'm thankful for. 

Last week I had my wonderful birthday dinner which I almost cancelled due to my anxiety but I pushed through it and it turned out amazing! Again, thank you to those that attended and made me feel oh so very special.

This week started off with a Disneyland trip with a friend of mine that I've known since I was fifteen. Brandon or how I have always called him, Tweeker. It was his birthday Tuesday the 26th and he was kind enough to invite me to tag along for my birthday as well. I hadn't seen him since my wedding 12.1.2007 and I was going to meet his lovely girlfriend for the first time. Needless to say I was pretty nervous, but I had such a wonderful time with Mr. Husband, an old friend and now a new friend! Since Tweeker's girlfriend Christina use to work at Disneyland she showed us a lot of different things and let us in on some amazing Disneyland secrets.

Highlights of the day: 

1. I got to hang out with an old friend I've missed 

2. EVERYONE was saying Happy Birthday to Tweeker and me 

3. We only waited at the most 20 minutes for Indian Jones while everyone else had to wait an hour and a half in the heat. Disney magic on your birthday is an amazing thing and no I didn't have a fast pass! 

4. Last but not least, a Disneyland worker sang Happy Birthday to us in such an old school Doo Wop kind of way! He also talked to us in rhyme! Amazing!

I honestly can't remember the last time that I had so much fun at Disneyland with friends. We got to do everything, just not ride California Scream because someone was being a baby! But we did get to do the little things that I love and always want to do. 

We went to the Drawing Academy where we learned to draw Goofy and we didn't ever mind the long lines since we had such awesome company. 

The line to Toy Story Mania was madness, as always but during this time Tweeker and I got to catch up. I got to know the wonderful girlfriend Christina and Juan finally got to see why I love my Tweeker friend oh so very much. It's sad though that even on my birthday Juan did not let me win on the Toy Story Mania ride but at least I have better accuracy. (picture on left, above)

One ride we got to enjoy which I have NEVER been on was the Winnie the Pooh ride. For some reason, Tweeker & Christina insisted that we just had to get on this ride. I for one thought it was a trap and I was going to be forced to hug a Disney Character but that wasn't the case. If you haven't been on this ride, please go on it next time. Oh my! 

A whole day spent at Disneyland and this was the only picture taken of the 4 of us

Winnie the Pooh and his friends had  birthday party just for Tweeker and me!

Yummy Disney Birthday dessert! 

 One of the last rides of the day was Star Tours, Mr. Husband and I have been looking forward to this ride for so long. I'm sad to say that Disney let me down. The ride was okay, I for one wasn't wowed. What I was wowed by were the Storm Troopers walking around! I wanted to hug one and take a picture but couldn't because they were moving so fast! Next time I suppose.

I wish I could buy him and keep him forever and ever

Wednesday, it was back to work where Mr. Husband surprised me with beautiful flowers and my amazing student assistant surprised me with gifts.

I'm so amazed by Mr. Husband, he picked out the flowers with little to no help and designed the arrangement he sent me. What I love is that there were three black magic roses which is important because at our wedding the center pieces has three black roses. The arrangement had curly willow, again a big part of our wedding and there was little to no filler! (I hate filler!) The flowers where perfect! Just perfect!









My amazing student assistant, the sweetheart and hard worker that she is came into the office during an office meeting and when I went back to my desk I found the cutest gifts!

First, there was a Starbucks box, a box which I have never seen before and then there was a card with a perfect hand tied bow!
In that little box were cake pops from Starbucks! In the card, which she made herself was a cute necklace with a charm of a skull girl which had a pink bow! Cute and dark all rolled into one! I love it!

Thursday, the 28th! Finally my birthday! Oh I felt so loved this day. Yes, I went to work but still had an amazing day. Co-worker Chuck came into work with a wonderful and thoughtful gift...

A teaset with TAZO tea from Starbucks! Might I add that he put this gift together himself! He picked everything out and wrapped it. He made sure to make it a point that while his girlfriend was suppose to help he did it all on his own. That made the gift even more special! I felt so loved!

Throughout the day I received calls, text messages and while some people forgot about my birthday I didn't let that get me down. What did matter were the people that did remember and took time out of their busy day to let me know they thought of me and wanted to wish me a happy birthday. Thank you.

After work when I finally got home I noticed that my Mom and Older Sister-In-Law were sitting outside and when I finally parked they walked over (the long walk from my mom's house to my house) with such big smiles on their faces. I didn't think much of it and just assumed that they wanted to wish me a happy birthday but no, that wasn't the end of it. Apparently, I had overlooked a BIG birthday present on my front lawn. Something I have been wanting since last year...

This plants name is maguey

Yes,  I have been wanting this beautiful plant for a long time! Isn't it just beautiful? Okay, well I have love for plants that comes of my parents, since I was young  my parents were always working in the yard to make it beautiful. While Mr. Husband took me out to dinner my Dad took it upon himself to plant my birthday present and then made me take a picture with it.

I look super happy!

Then Saturday finally came, the day I had been waiting for! This year Mr. Husband got me such a wonderful birthday present. I have always loved the Mission Inn and I love it so much that Mr. Husband says that when we renew our vows that is where we're going to do it! 

Mr. Husband wanted the elephant but I told him a picture would just have to do for now

Picture perfect, Mr. Husband is oh so yummy! 

Beautiful

For our stay, he booked the Birthday Celebration Stay Package so that we could get away for a night since I for one don't want to be away from my Boba for too long. For our mini getaway he booked a spa day! He booked the Couples N' Courtship package. This was the first time we had been to the spa so we had no idea what to expect. The package included: 

* Body Polishes (25 minutes)

*Aromatherapy Bath (25 minutes)

*50 minutes couple's massage 

*Champagne & Strawberries for two 

*Private use of the Spa villa for one-half hour (teehee)

My favorite part of it all was the body polish! Oh my was that amazing! Mr. Husband said he enjoyed it so much that we're going to have to do it more often which I'm very excited about. 

That night we then had dinner at Duane's (the food is amazing) and when we got back to the room I had a pleasant little surprise waiting for me... 

CUPCAKES!

Part of the package included cupcakes for the birthday person which was me but I was nice enough to share with Mr. Husband. 

The balloon matched my outfit! 

I'm as plain as vanilla what can I say... 

Our full day there was amazing and we were so relaxed after our spa treatment! In the morning we woke up to rain. I couldn't believe that it was raining in July but either way I loved it! I love the smell and sound of rain! 

Once we checked out we finally got to have the Sunday Champagne Brunch which is amazing but at this point with the Mission Inn there is no way that you can expect anything but amazing! Throughout the weekend I kept telling Juan that I was going to run into my boss, Monty since he always spends his weekends there. As I was waiting for Mr. Husband to pay the bill I was sad because I hadn't seen my boss all weekend. But, then there he was, Monty! Walking around looking at all the beauty that the Mission Inn has to offer. I walked over to him to say hello and let him know that my weekend was not going to be complete without seeing him at the Mission Inn. We had a pleasant little chat and he hugged me hello and goodbye. 

These past two weeks have been amazing and I needed happiness in my life. With everything that happened last month I'm so thankful to have had such a wonderful birthday this year. I truly needed it. 

Thank you Mr. Husband, the love of my life for being romantic and surprising me. 

Thank you VeroBabies for helping me plan my birthday dinner and holding my hand through it all. 

Thank you my dear family for loving me through my grumpy days and still caring enough to remember what I have been wanting and asking for. 

Thank you my dear friends for letting me be selfish for a bit and remembering me always. 

And now, as July is coming to a end and August is just a few minutes away I will go back to reality but thankfully my reality is and has always been a beautiful fairy tale. 

Happy Birthday Dinner to Me!

Yesterday, July 23rd, 2011. I had a little birthday dinner with some of my dear friends and family. I have always wanted to have a classic, simple dinner and this year I finally got that! The dinner almost didn't happen because of my anxiety but I didn't let that get in my way this time. I pushed threw and because of that had a wonderful time! 

simple and classic

The picture is a little dark but this made me smile, Juan playing with baby A.J.

Pretty birthday cupcakes! 

I had my favorite food (pasta), favorite drinks and my favorite music playing. Everything was very relaxing and I didn't even notice the time passing by. I just wish I would have taken more pictures but I was simply having too much fun talking it up with my guests that I lost track of time. I got very few pictures and I need to remind myself to slow down and capture those amazing moments that make me smile! 

My VeroBabies and I. She's such a wonderful amazing friend! I love her with my all! 

Boba was he only four legged guest and she dressed for the occasion! 

To my readers that were my guests, thank you again for attending my birthday dinner. I had such a wonderful time! With everything that I have gone threw this year, it was nice to have my friends and family there to support me. I hope you all had a wonderful time! Next time more pictures will be taken for sure and our favorite wine will be served! Turns out I'm not allergic! 

A healthy goal

I've been stressed and my anxiety has been really bad this past month but... can you blame me? I just hope that those around me understand and know that with time I will get over this last bump in the road. In the meantime, I have made a goal for myself. 

By the end of this year I plan to be able to run five miles nonstop.  

I truly believe that with the running it will help me control my anxiety and be able to rid myself of the stress. 

Above stress and anxiety... I feel nothing BUT that seems odd to me since I feel stressed and anxious. 

Yes, I smile. I laugh, I giggle and talk nonstop but still feel nothing. 

I hope that with the running and the alone time with with the running I will be able to start feeling something because this nothing feeling may be pushing people away. 

Until then... I'm running. 

I love this. Running will get me back my Thunder Thighs! 

Letter to God

Dear God,

All day I have been deep in thought and have speaking to You in my own way, just now as I write to You I find myself smiling and I know it’s because You’re with me. For weeks now I have felt alone, I have looked for You but could not feel You near me. I wondered why You had left me, what did I do to cause You to abandon me? Negativity was taking over my life and I could not see a drop of color in all the darkness I was faced it with.

I couldn’t understand why I lost them, we had waited for them, prepared our lives for them and as quickly as they came… they left. To lose and accept the loss was close to unbearable… to then have to be faced with worse news just about broke me and almost caused me to turn away from You. I felt as though You had left me and as I felt depressed when I lost my One & Two, this time felt so much worse, nothing nor no one could bring a smile to my face. But, when I felt there was nothing and when I felt my worst… there You were.

I don’t feel alone and I can smile because I feel You near me, beside me. While everyone sleeps, I stay wide awake with my thoughts. Thoughts that would normally break me, now only bring me an ounce of sadness because I know in my heart that You have lifted me and have taken away my pain so that once more I can live. For once, in a long time I do not feel alone because I know You are with me, because You have always been with me, because You knew/know that I could handle this and there will be a reason for it. Yes. I will be sad at times but I shouldn’t ever throw my life away because in time this too will pass and it will just be a dark memory. God, only You know what is to come and I will put my trust in You.

I can go on questioning. I can keep asking “Why me?” I can look back on my life and say, that yes, I’ve done everything right in my life. I’ve always been the good girl so why do I have to go through this? Why did this happen to me? But who do I think I am? What makes me better than everyone else? Only You know why You do what You do. Only You know why You choose this path for me and with this smile that is finally upon my face, I accept the path You have laid out for me. Thank You for the strength You have given me, I now know how strong I truly am.

Amen

“No one can explain how a baby breathes before it is born. So how can anyone explain what God does? After all, He created everything.” Ecclesiastes 11:5



A Ramble of a Passion

It doesn't matter what emotion I'm going through, there is always one passion that I've always turned to. It's my default. I can be depressed, sad, mad, happy, stressed or restless in the end what I find myself doing time and time again is writing. 


Which is why I have always loved keeping a blog. 


Which is why I always carry a notebook with me. 


Which is why I am the proud owner of the callus on my right hand ring finger. 


Which is why so many of my friends and Mr. Husband receive extremely long text messages. 


Which is why I have such amazing and different penmanship. 


There is just something about it that I find relaxing and beautiful. There is just something about it that can instantly make my day better. I can be writing a letter, a note, just about anything and I will feel as though I have accomplished something. 


I've been writing since I was in grade school and I have always loved it. In college I majored in English with a concentration in Creative Writing. This major focused on two of my passions; reading and writing. I should have minored in art... opps. 


If this is what makes me happy...
If this is what I love...
If this is what I'm always doing with my free time... 


Why am I so scared of it? Why then do I allow people tell me it's a waste of time? Why then am I scared to push myself to make it into a career? Why am I scared to continue my education in writing?


I have never been the person to care for money. 
I have never been the person that longs to be rich. 
I have never been the person that longs for fame. 


My goal in life has always been the same: I want to be happy. 
If in fifty years from now I can look back and say "yes, I lived a happy life" then I will be proud of myself. I will feel accomplished in life. 


And so... 


From this point on I will only do that which makes me happy. I've done it this for the most part in the past but sometimes... many times I stop myself so that I can make others happy. So that I can met the expectations of others. This stops now because this is my life and I'm not being selfish, I will not let others tell me I'm being selfish.


I just want to be happy and happy I will be. 


The simple thought of it makes me smile... 

Thankful for the support but...

I'm allowed to smile, to laugh.
I'm allowed to go out to dinners, to shop, to play and LIVE!
I'm allowed to pretend as though they never were and it never happened... it was all a dream... it was all a dream... it was all a bittersweet dream.
I'm allowed to say that it's only my allergies acting up or that I simply got something in my eye.

I have done my morning and will go on morning in silence and secret.
I have accepted the loss.
I have said my goodbyes though I know more may be needed.
I have the right & will choose to hide away & cry when need be.

I will not give up on life but live the life I had dreamed up for them the moment I was told.
I will not forget them but please don't remind me of them.
I will try again.
I will keep strong, holding on to hope, faith.

This is my way of dealing.
This is my way of being.
This is what's best for me as how I see fit.
This is my life after all, please accept it.

...and just like that, They're gone.

Last week it was blood work, after blood work, after blood work. Then Friday came and it was test after test. Something wasn't right with LittleBit 1 & 2 and as much as I was trying to stay positive, it was hard. Then came the news Mr. Husband and I were dreading, our babies simply stopped growing and while I was about ten weeks pregnant my babies were only about three weeks old. They just simply stopped growing. The nurse who was handling my case let us know that we had two choices: 

* We could wait another week to see if the babies would grow if not then they would case me to miscarry (or wait for me to miscarry on my own) 

* We could choose to miscarry that day on our time at home

I honestly couldn't go through another week and since the babies had stopped growing at week three it was hard to hold on to hope at that point. So, we decided it would be best to miscarry as hard as it was choose. If not, then I would go on being pregnant, going through all the symptoms and gaining the needed weight knowing that my babies simply stopped growing and I was going to miscarry at any given moment. 

There was nothing I did wrong, I was as healthy as can be to be pregnant but in the middle of everything... the babies just stopped growing. This happens more than people know but women tend to miscarry on their own before they ever find out that they're pregnant. Some women, like myself stay pregnant and then have to have a drugged miscarriage. The RN let us know that this happened to her twice. 

Friday was hard, Saturday was a little more bearable and today, Sunday I finally went out to get some sun. Tomorrow I'm still off of work and by Tuesday I hope to be fine. 

Mr. Husband & I are hoping to be able to try again September maybe October. The RN said that we shouldn't have any problems getting pregnant. This just goes to show me that I can't plan everything. I can't control everything and sometimes I just have to let go and let things happen on their own. I'm not mad though, I have accepted it and know that it all happened for a reason. God has a plan for me and it just wasn't my time to be a mommy. 

I'm thankful though to have such caring and supportive family and friends. I needed time alone with Mr. Husband and I'm thankful that they have been respectful of that. Though there were two that just simply did not understand that and came to our house announced. Rude.

So now, just as quickly as they came they have now left me.